You probably said Coca-Cola, right? And you'd be correct. But it wasn't always so. For a brief period up until the 1920's, America's most popular fizzy drink was... Moxie.
Buh? What's a Moxie?
Originally created in 1884 in Lowell, Massachusetts by Dr. Augustin Thompson, Moxie was marketed under the product name Moxie Nerve Food and originally sold as a "cure all" medicine. Original labels made some bold claims indeed
Contains not a drop of Medicine, Poison, Stimulant or Alcohol. But is a simple sugarcane-like plant grown near the Equator and farther south, was lately accidentally discovered by Lieut. Moxie and has proved itself to be the only harmless nerve food known that can recover brain and nervous exhaustion, loss of manhood, imbecility and helplessness. It has recovered paralysis, softening of the brain, locomotor ataxia, and insanity when caused by nervous exhaustion. It gives a durable solid strength, makes you eat voraciously, takes away the tired, sleepy, listless feeling like magic, removes fatigue from mental and physical over work at once, will not interfere with action of vegetable medicines.
About the only place Moxie still has a stronghold is in the New England area, especially Maine. They loves them some Moxie up there in Maine, where they drink Moxie like it's going... well, you know. They even have an annual Moxie Festival.
So, what happened? Why can't we go to 7-Eleven and get the Moxie Double Gulp®? Why is it just about everyone remembers "I'd like to buy the world a Coke...", but you don't hear too much of the Moxie jingle, which went a little something like
...just make it Moxie for Mine,
For the strenuous life it is fine.
It's a drink that they serve,
Which will build up your nerve.
So just make it Moxie for Mine!
Grammatical issues of the alliterative jingle aside, the reason Moxie fell by the wayside had to more with economics than anything else. When sugar proces skyrocketed in the 1920's, Moxie did what many other soft drink makers did at the time and stockpiled large quantities of sugar to protect against further price increases. When sugar prices collapsed, they were forced to sell their product at a loss. This loss of revenue combined with the onset of The Great Depression put them in a position from which they never fully recovered.
That, and the fact that Moxie tastes like ass.
Back in the late 1980's, I roadtripped out to visit a buddy who had moved out to Freeport, ME. I had heard about Moxie and it's, uh... "bracing" flavor. Since Moxie is readily available out there, I decided to pick up a bottle or two of the "harmless nerve food" so I could get over my "brain exhaustion" and "imbecility".
I had other plans for recovering my "loss of manhood" that I needn't go into at this time...
So I picked up a 2-liter jug 'o' Moxie goodness, brought it back to the hotel, plopped a couple ice cubes in a glass and got ready to enjoy those "Gentian Root Extractives". Hey, if it was good enough for Calvin Coolidge, it was good enough for me!
Down the hatch!
*gulp!*
Oh. My. God.
As Ralph Wiggum would say a few years later, "It tastes like burning!"
Remember the taste of Listerine? And not the sissy-flavored kind like Fresh Burst or the even more sissified "less intense" Natural Citrus flavor. And most definitely not the practically-candy stuff like Plax or Listermint. No.
I'm talking about old-skool original Listerine. The kind that doesn't even bother to make it a pretty green-y or blue-y color, let alone worry about such niceties as making it taste distinguishable from the solvent they use at the airport to clean the tar off the wheelwells in the landing gear of 747s.
Yes, Moxie tastes like Listerine. Make that carbonated Listerine, for that additional taste bud burn factor. And not even the benefit of killing germs or curing my rampant gingivitis.
I think I left the remainder of my Moxie purchase at the hotel for some native Mainer cleaning staff, probably bottle-fed Moxie since infancy and thus will never have to worry about the effects of brain-softening or whatever locomotor ataxia is, to enjoy.
If only I had seen the original signs they used to advertise Moxie. Maybe then I would have some idea of what I was up against. The original advertising didn't portray Moxie as all sweetness and fun. No, Moxie, like caviar or raw oysters was an acquired taste.
Maybe that was my problem. I was looking for a one-night soda stand, when Moxie wanted more from me. But I was wild and restless then, not ready to be tied down by any carbonated drink. I'm older now, a little more willing to delay the instant gratification for longer-term rewards. At least I think that's why I have things like a 401(k) and life insurance.
I wonder if now, finally, I'm ready for Moxie.
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