The Day The (Imaginary) Music Died

Johnny: Dude! How ya been?! I never thought I'd see you here at a Crucial Taunt concert! I thought you were more into the oldies. You know, Leather & The Suedes kinda stuff.

Murph: Aw, not any more man... I used to listen to all that retro Zack Attack-type music, but tastes change...

Johnny: What about your band? They still together?

Murph: What, Murph & The Magictones? Yeah, you should check us out! We're headlining at the Holiday Inn Armada Room on Fridays and Saturdays. I can get you in on the guest list.

Johnny: I'll have to do that... You hear about The Mosquitos? Playing a gig on a yacht. Freak storm. Lost at sea.

Murph: Get outta here! I always liked Bongo's guitar-playing. And Bingo and Bango sure could sing. Never cared for Irving, though. Saw them when they opened for Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. Sheesh, now there's a band that needs to be lost at sea...

Johnny: Hey, bud. I gotta go... Maybe I'll see you at the Barry Jive & The Uptown Five show next week? Rock on!

Fluffy, furry, photosynthesizing Folger's

A.I. a la Twenty Questions. Your answers can help the artificial intelligence engine "learn" so it can play smarter the next time. Looks like it needs a little help in some areas, though. After correctly guessing my "cup of coffee" in 13 questions, it went on to provide some dubious "uncommon knowledge" about a cup of coffee. To wit:


Can you use it at school?   I say No.   Hmmm... I know some college students who would beg to differ

Does it have seeds?   I say Probably.   Yep. Stupid frappuccino seeds. When you're in a meeting, where are you supposed to spit them out??

Is it originally from the Mediterranian?   I say Probably.   What?! I thought coffee came from Canada!

Is it tall? I say Probably.   I've heard of a latte grande, but come on...

Is it originally from Canada?   I say Probably.   What?! I thought coffee came from the Mediterranian!

Does it have eyes?   I say Probably.   "Don't look now Debbie, but I think that Kona decaf is checking you out"

Is it addictive?   I say Probably.   No argument there.

Is it fluffy?   I say Yes.   True, but only in steam form.

Does it have a leafy stalk?   I say Yes.   Also true, but only when served very fresh.

Is it considered man's best friend?   I say Probably.   Mondays at 6 am I know I have strong feelings for it...

Does it exist in other dimensions?   I say Yes.   Still waiting to hear back from Steven Hawking for confirmation on this one.

Can you control it?   I say No.   Damn coffee, just doing whatever it pleases!

Does it photosynthesize?   I say Yes.   Frankly, you may want to consider switching brands.

(via MsCapriKell)

Why don't you do that voodoo that you do so well?

Send a voodoo curse via (what else?) email. Want to see how it works? Send a curse to yourself and find out.

From the Pinstruck website:

W A R N I N G :
Receiving a voodoo curse from PinStruck.com may be upsetting or offensive to some people. Curses are not suitable for recipients under the age of 18.

Think carefully before sending your curse. Some people cannot take a joke. Make sure you respect this.

Voodoo curses sent from PinStruck.com are for ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY. Steem, LLC and PinStruck.com do not believe there is any truth to voodoo magic.

(via Sarcasmo's Corner)

The World According To Dr. Bronner

You may not have ever had the good fortune to come across Dr. Bronner's 18-In-One Pure Castile Soaps, as it is sold mostly in health-food stores and does little if any advertising. And you wouldn't be missing out for the reason you think. Sure, it's a great all-natural soap that provides excellent lather, even in the hardest of water, while still being extremely mild on the skin, with lots of glycerin left in to help moisturize. And yes, it comes in refreshing peppermint, almond and eucalyptus varieties, and it isn't animal tested. All these things are true about Dr. Bronner's soaps, and yet that still isn't the reason you should get some. It's the labels, you see...

Don't have time? Here's the short version as explained by Cecil Adams from one of his Straight Dope columns, as well as a small(!) portion of the writings found on the 18-In-One Peppermint Soap quart-size label.

For those of you with the time and/or the bandwidth, here are some of the labels (Peppermint, Almond, Eucalyptus) in all their glory for your own Enrichment-Enlightenment-Enjoyment! Dilute! Dilute! OK!

At the tone, the time will be...

Humanclock.com is a beautifully simple concept: For each of the 1,440 minutes in a 24-hour day, show a different photo of people holding signs, clocks, or some other reference to the exact time. (Hint: If you need to adjust for your time zone, go into the Control Panel and pick the Change Time button.) Geeks looking for a laugh can read about humanclock.com's ultra-high-end webserver (hint: do the words Radio, Shack and Tandy mean anything to you?)

On a tangent, I seem to recall some screensaver(?) with a similar theme. I think it was a collection of photos of a cityscape (NYC skyline?), all taken from the same spot throughout a 24-hour day. As the day went on, you'd see the corresponding changes in the screensaver. Anybody remember something like this or know where I could find it?

(via Bifurcated Rivets)

While You Were Sleeping

Some awesome nighttime photos by Larrie Thompson. He sometimes uses special lighting techniques to get just the right feel for a particular shot. Check out the galleries to see what you've been missing while you snooze.

(via J-Walk)

Finally, something for the whole family...

...The Manson Family, that is.

From the official website of "Live Freaky, Die Freaky", the upcoming film by independent filmmaker/California punk scene veteran John Roecker:

"It is the year 3069 and the earth has been raped of all its natural resources, destroyed by war and ozone depletion, and is now only a barren desert. The humans who inhabit this empty vessel search not only for food but for a god to save them. Their search will soon be over when Charles Manson returns to save them."

The film will also feature ex-White Zombie bassist Sean Yseult, members of Green Day, AFI and Blink-182 along with "Lord of the Rings" actor Viggo Mortenson. Due out December 2003. Better get in line for those tickets now! Just don't cut in front of the guy with the crazy eyes and the swastika carved on his forehead...

(submitted by "Depraved Dave" Postma)

What's the buzz, Tell me what's a-happening

MR. BURNS: I suggest you leave immediately.

HOMER: Or what? You'll release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouths, and when they bark they shoot bees at you?

Bees need to roam free or they'll turn to a life of crime.

Unh!

Wuurrggh! Aiiee! Hunnff! It's The Unh! Project.

(via quasimeta)

Something stinks, Sheriff. I think it's your star...

It's the "[plural noun], we don't need no stinking [plural noun]!" website

(via Fiendish Is The Word)

All I need to win is a "paradigm" or a "Win-Win"!

Spice up your next interminable business meeting by playing Buzzword Bingo.

(BUZ.wurd bing.go) n. A word game played during corporate meetings. Players are issued bingo-like cards with lists of buzzwords such as paradigm and proactive. Players check off these words as they come up in the meeting, and the first to fill in a "line" of words is the winner.

Print your own using bingo card generators for business, eBusiness and Wired Business. Another card generator is at BetterWorkplaceNow .

Have fun! It's a win-win! Hey! Bingo!!

Also worthy of a visit is The Word Spy, where you can catch up on the latest emerging jargon such as Generation XL , heroinware or cat typing.

(via Circadian Shift)

What is the sound of one man scratching?

It is the sound of the human beatbox. Tutorials, audio, videos. Learn how to scratch more than just ya' fleas.

(Via Memepool)

What is the sound of one hand clapping?

It is the sound of giving your own bad self a high-5.

(Via J-Walk)

Sour neighbor

You've got to have a pretty pathetic life if you find it necessary to call the cops to shut down your 6-year-old neighbor girl's lemonade stand.

Got Advil?

Hardheaded Woman

Hardheaded Man

(Via Information Junk)

It's raining men

At least it is at this San Francisco mall.

(Via Jim Romenesko's Obscure Store and Reading Room)

Decisions, Decisions...

A lunatic is cutting off your arms.

A. Chain saw

B. Circular saw.

Moral dilemmas, etc at You Must Choose.

PS. I went for the circular saw. Cleaner cut, ya know...

(Via B3ta)

Unfortunate URLS

Perfectly legitimate businesses with perfectly regrettable web addresses. All of these sites are SFW (safe for work)

www.powergenitalia.com

www.gotahoe.com

www.whorepresents.net

www.analtech.com

www.accuratescrew.com

www.crotch-partnership.co.uk

www.knobsandknockers.co.uk

And finally, some guys that must have finally wised up, since they are no longer active:

The Lumberman's Exchange, which for a while was at http://www.lumbermansexchange.com and Experts Exchange, who decided that http://www.expertsexchange.com maybe wasn't such a hot URL after all...

(via Metafilter and dutchbint.org)

365 Odd Ones

From the FAQ for The 365 Days Project:

For the entire year of 2003 (January 1st to December 31st) this site will feature one mp3 file (every day) to download. Listeners of the incredibly strange and outsider realm take note, for this is the majority of material that will be made available. Obscure (and for the most part out-of-print) recordings will be the primary focus.

Give a listen. What's your favorite day? What's on your birthday?

Going in circles

A nice little time-waster for your Tuesday afternoon. (Scroll down a bit if you want to bypass the geek stuff)

Available in the dairy case on a street corner near you

Hometown Favorites... where the jam jars are wearing little fishnet stockings.

(hijacked from a post by Blinky The Shark at alt.fan.cecil-adams)

Speak softly and carry a big tire iron

In the spirit of team-building and corporate togetherness, our IT department is having some kind of sports-themed competition this Friday. No specifics yet on what will be involved, but I foresee our team dominating the competition. Of course, in-house email the past few days has been nuthin' but trash-talk. Most of it from the over-hyped Team Dirty Rotten Cheaters. (I hear they cheat!)

More details as they become available, but if you would like, feel free to make a generous donation to Team Trunk Monkeys!

[NOTE: Of course, I'm not really looking for money. Link goes to a non-profit "click to donate for free" website. Help 'em out, why dontcha?]

How much is inside?

Cockeyed.com is an incredibly useful site. Especially if you need to know any of the following...

...how many O's are in a box of Cheerios? (from the amazing How Much Is Inside? section)

...how to used light bulbs to light cigarettes ((from Science Club Episodes)

...how to pull off clever pranks like the menu board switcheroo, high-profile sculpture replacement and my personal favorite, fake Google contest entries. (from Pranks)

IQ is a variable, but SneakyCheapness is a constant

"If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would presumably flunk it." -- Stanley Garn

There are about a gajillion IQ tests out there on the web, and the other night I decided to try a few of them to see what kind of range of scores I'd get. Out of the three I took, the results ranged pretty dramatically. Of course, almost every site offering an IQ test has a disclaimer that IQ tests in general are only one way to measure what may be considered "intelligence", and that the test will only give you a ballpark estimate of your IQ. Some people considered very intelligent do very poorly in standardized tests, etc, etc etc...

Results in a minute, but first let me get into some specifics for the three tests I ended up taking.

Tests were found by plugging the terms IQ TEST into Google. The three I chose were pretty much at random. Two of the tests were timed, one was not. One specifically said not to use pencil and paper, the other two didn't mention either way, so I felt it was acceptable to use a pencil and paper for those two.

So, here's my results, in the order the tests were taken:


Test #1:   Timed (15 minutes/ 30 questions). Paper/pencil not specifically forbidden. Used for two questions  Score: 131

Test #2:   I took IQ Test #1 Not timed. Took me the longest, though it had by far the fewest questions (20). Seemed much harder than the others. Used pencil/paper extensively)Score: 112

Test #3 :   Timed (13 minutes/ 38 questions) Paper/pencil not allowed.   Score: 160 Woohoo! All of a sudden I'm Einstein!

Needless to say, web IQ tests can vary wildly in their results. Take with a grain of salt large enough to raise your blood pressure 20 points...Many, many other IQ tests available here.

Your SneakyCheapness quotient, however, is an inarguable constant.   No paper, no pencil, no trains leaving stations at 60 mph in opposite directions. Nothing required but honest answers.   My SneakyCheap score: 168 (It was stealing milk crates that killed me)

Did anyone notify Waylon?

It's official. The Hatfields and McCoys have stopped feuding, making the lyrics to "Luckenbach, Texas" as obsolete as bloomers.

Let's go to Luckenbach, Texas with Waylon and Willie and the boys

This successful life we're livin' got us feudin' like the Hatfields and McCoys

Between Hank Williams' pain songs and Newbury's train songs

And blue eyes cryin' in the rain

Out in Luckenbach, Texas ain't nobody feelin' no pain

(via Ishbadiddle)

This post is worth 0.05 pictures

Fellow blogger Bonnie left a comment in an earlier post asking me to check out a site she thought would be right up my alley.

Slight understatement there.

Lots of amazing photography and tons of Photoshop phunnies at Worth 1000, like Celebrity Day Jobs and Urban Legends.

Go Ghoti!

Ghoti = fish

You know the old saw about how ghoti can be pronounced fish? Say the "gh" as in rough or laugh, "o" as in women, "ti" as in nation or potion. Supposed to show what an insanely confusing language English can be to learn.

I came across this great poem today called "The Chaos", which apparently has been floating around the web for some time now. The poem is not attributed, but I saw it at Rachel Lucas's blog.

I have since found it in numerous other places, sometimes with this appended:

English is tough stuff.

While most of you non-native speakers of English speak English quite well, there is always room for improvement (of course, the same could be said for every person for any subject, but that is another matter). To that end, I'd like to offer you a poem. Once you've learned to correctly pronounce every word in this poem, you will be speaking English better than 90% of the native English speakers in the world.

If you find it tough going, do not despair, you are not alone: Multi-national personnel at North Atlantic Treaty Organization headquarters near Paris found English to be an easy language ... until they tried to pronounce it. To help them discard an array of accents, the verses below were devised. After trying them, a Frenchman said he'd prefer six months at hard labor to reading six lines aloud. Try them yourself.

Recline? I'm afraid I can't do that, Dave."

Found this on BoingBoing this morning... Do I really want my friggin' chair smarter than I am? Full story here.

A UK defense-lab is developing "smart" airline seats that attempt to make guesses about your terroristic propensity (and your likelihood of a thrombosis) by monitoring your buttular activity while you're flying.

The seats will contain a thicket of pressure sensors that will relay signals to a central computer to assess the seat occupant's behaviour. Are they asleep? Motionless for too long? Jumpy? Qinetiq designer Chris Thorpe says the system could have a display that is only accessible to the cabin crew - perhaps in the galley - to warn if a passenger's behaviour is out of the ordinary.

If they have been asleep or sitting still too long, say, a "DVT Warning" might flash beneath the passenger's seat number, and a crew member could prompt the passenger to take a walk around the plane.

Wonders of the future from the past

Gizmodo shows us the wonderful world of technology circa 1983. Oooh! A 2-pound $4,000 cell phone with a whole thirty minutes of talk time!! Can you hear me now?

(via Scrubbles)

Wanted: Elbow grease

Moron prison inmate doesn't believe story of a guy who got his arm stuck in the toilet. Guess what happens next?

(Via Jim Romenesko's Obscure Store and Reading Room)

Natural = delicious?

A guy who decides to try eating a bunch of "All-Natural" products like soap, cat food, etc...

From the review on Grandma's Old-Fashioned Oatmeal Soap:

As the soap interacted with my saliva, however, my mouth began to fill with suds, and it was all I could do to choke down the bite of soap, most of which had lodged in my back teeth. It was akin to eating a box of Oreo cookies and having the creamy filling pack itself into your rear molars like spackling compound ... but much, much soapier.

(Also via J-Walk)

"Write better emails. Make more moneys."

Have you registered for the 3rd Annual Nigerian Email Conference yet?

I'm looking forward togreat seminars like:

Practical Discussion:

Mallam Mahmud Abacah answers the question, "Are 10 million emails a day too many?"

Debate:

Attend a lively debate between Lady Mariam Abacha and Mr. Godwin Oyathelem. Topic: "The effectiveness of using all UPPERCASE characters."

Hope to see you there!

Funny stuff...

(Via J-Walk)

U!-S!-A!   U!-S!-A!   U!-S!-A!   Go-o-o-o-o-o easy on the starch!!

You've always wanted to get into the whole Extreme! Sports!!! thing but you just can't find the time with all the housework and all?

Now your prayers are answered... Extreme Ironing!

This is one of my favorite photos from the archives.

Please don't feed the what-cha-ma-thingies

Celebrity Zoo and other manimals...

Plus! Evolve your own hybrid at Switchzoo!

(Via B3ta)

Right on the money, So sublime,

Hot sweet cherries on the tree branch vine!

Popular music has spawned some stupid lyrics out there. I mean, come on,

I am, I said

To no one there

And no one heard at all

Not even the chair

Dave Barry has something to say on the subject in a series of articles from a few years back (1, 2, 3, 4).

Other lesser-known wits weighing in with an opinion here, here and here.

What's your favorite stupid lyric?

Part of a complete breakfast!

I'll admit it. I like cereal. I enjoy it at any time of the day, and have been known to go through most of a box at one sitting, if it's one I like a lot. But the guys at The Empty Bowl are way, way, way beyond liking cereal. They have a passion for cereal. They eat, drink, sleep, breathe cereal -- they write articles and reviews -- many, many reviews about cereal, and I think one of them may have had a summer fling with a Honeycomb, though he won't come right out and admit it.

As a kid, I used to really love Quisp, but is it really worth nine dollars a box? And whatever happened to Freakies?

Hold on to your hats!

Let the excitement begin! It's time for... The dullest blog in the world!

A hair-raising excerpt!

May 15 Making a note of something on a piece of paper
Earlier on I heard something that I wanted to remember. I found a pen and wrote it down on a piece of paper. If I need to be reminded of the information at any point I will find the piece of paper and read it.

Pregnant women and pacemaker-wearers, you have been warned!

(Via Itchy Robot)

Thirsty?

Spike likes root beer. A lot. I mean a lot. So much so that he's taken the time to build a root beer website. See his reviews of over 50 root beers and find out why Think Interactive Root Beer is the worst of the bunch. (Via largehearted boy)

In other beverage review news, why not check out the always fascinating BevNet Beverage reviews, covering 1500+ different drinkables from around the world...

"It's got a good beat, I can dance to it, and it made #745 on the list..."

In a list "collated from critics' end-of-year and end-of-decade lists from over 50 magazines and web-zines (spanning 13 countries)", Jumping Fences proudly brings you The Greatest 1,000 Albums of the 1990's. Also listed according by Year(who knew 1994 was the worst year?), by Artist or by Country. Sure to start a spirited discussion/fistfight at your next dinner party.

Cecil vs. Marilyn

"Education is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know."
Daniel J. Boorstin


"Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge, others just gargle."
Robert Anthony

Every week I get the Sunday paper, and every week in the stupid Parade magazine, I read the column by Marilyn vos Savant. I don't want to read it, you understand, yet I do with a kind of morbid curiosity. I absolutely cannot stand the kind of mushy "there is no wrong answer" kind of questions she attempts to answer. Questions like "Is it better to have loved and lost or not to have loved at all?", and the like. And when she does dare to take on a question with hard facts for answers, she often screws it up.

Bah, give me The Straight Dope any time. The elusive know-it-all behind TSD is Cecil Adams, who has been fighting ignorance in his syndicated newspaper columns (and now website) since 1973. Cecil's doesn't shy away from the tough questions... Here's one of my favorites:

Dear Cecil:


Can man live by bread alone? If so, how long? --Irving Butternut, Los Angeles

There's plenty more where that came from in the archives. Careful, though... you just might learn something.

The Dude Abides

On the Not-To-Be-Missed calendar for July, the 2nd Annual Lebowski-Fest on 7/19 in a Louisville, KY bowling alley has to up at the top. Free bowling and shoes, lots of White Russians and a visit from the man who inspired the Jeff Lebowski character from the Coen brothers 1998 classic "The Big Lebowski", Jeff "The Dude" Dowd.

No word yet on whether any rugs were soiled in the making of this festival. Who's up for a roadtrip??

For those who can't attend this year, you can at least rent the movie while playing the Big Lebowski drinking game, or mess with The Big Lebowski Soundboard.

(Via Metafilter)

Where to, Mac?

Laser lightshow, dry ice fog machine, disco ball, keyboard, drumset, music blasting... a pretty decent club? Nah, just another night with Jon Barnes as he drives you around Aspen, CO in The Ultimate Taxi. While he's singing, playing drums, keyboards and sax, sampling and mixing audio, running the lights and updating his website with the wireless he installed, he also finds time to drive you where you want to go with his left elbow. See what he's up to right now with the TaxiCam.

I've got gas

In a previous post, we were introduced to the world of barstool racing, using gas-powered barstools. Well, what better way to celebrate that Stool 500 win than with a daquiri made in a gas-powered blender? Not a drinker, you say? Still bouncing around with excitement? This ought to do the trick.